What am I doing? Why cant I stop?
by werewolfprincess81
Summary: Ziva is in a whorlpool of self harm and Daddy related pain. Can the team help her? or will they just make it worse? Warning. contains selfharm and attempted suicide.
1. The beginning

Ziva walked out of the elevator. She was late. She had slept after her alarm had gone off.

"Ziva! How can you wear long sleeves in this heat!" came her partners voice from across the bullpen.

"Probably because I am Israeli and used to the heat" she replied to his incredulous question.

In truth she was overheating in her long sleeved top and cargo pants, but she knew that she had to hide her arms. Her partner would freak out if he saw. Not to mention what Gibbs would do. No doubt they would team together and make her go to one of those shrinks.

Just the thought of spending even five minutes talking to a complete stranger about why she was cutting and starving herself made her shudder.

As she dumped her bags on her desk, she felt Tonys' eyes on her. And she knew why. She felt terrible and knew that she looked it.

The dark rings under her eyes were testament to the long conversations on the telephone to her father to try to convince him to extend her stay at NCIS, her baggy clothes due to the 15 kg she had lost that month and her slightly lank hair was due to not having eaten enough nutrients.

In fact she had yet to eat a meal that week. And even she couldn't tell why she was doing this to herself. Every night she lay awake after the call and listened to the voices of the people she had killed. She was going mad and no one could help her.

"Gear up!" echoed Gibbs voice through the NCIS building. "We've got a dead marine in Norfolk."

As the team rushed towards the elevator Gibbs stated "Ziva you can drive"

With some satisfaction Ziva noticed Tony was looking scared and McGee was turning white.

fanfictionfanfictionfanfictionfanfictionfanfictionfanfictionfanfictionfanfic

Zivas' driving lived up to its reputation on the trip to Norfolk, with both McGee and Tony vomiting and even Gibbs, to Zivas' surprise, looking a little green.

Finally they arrived at Norfolk, and, to the great relief of her team, Ziva was informed that she would not be driving back.

The team went about this almost routine death in their usual manner, until Tony called Ziva over to ask her opinion on a curiously shaped piece of metal.

Kneeling down to get a closer look at the item, she found herself a great deal closer to Tony than she was comfortable with. Unconsciously reaching out her hand, her sleeve hitched up her arm. Revealing to Tonys' concerned eyes the scars and fresh cuts of her nightly ritual of slicing her arm until the voices left her alone.

Quickly retracting her arm she finished photographing the scene and was in the business of threatening McGee for shotgun, when she felt Tonys' eyes on her.

Ignoring him she issued a death threat to McGee and slid gracefully onto the front seat, leaving Tony, McGee and the 'Newbie' they were saddled with to argue over who got 'backseat, middle hump'.

After starting the fight between the probies, Tony skillfully extracted himself from the argument and slid behind the driver's seat.

After Gibbs head slapped both of them and 'Probie 2', as Tony had named him, was tricked into taking the middle seat, they set off back to DC, for what promised to be a long investigation.


	2. Gibbs' office

Gibbs POV

Arriving back at base, Gibbs threw the team into the arduous business of finding leads, the likes of which only come with an almost sterile crime scene.

At about 11 pm, after 8 hours of hard work, Abbies DNA results came back. Placing a suspect, Lt. Chrystal Green at the crime scene.

Looking around the bullpen at his half asleep team, Gibbs decided that they would collect the Lt. Tomorrow. When they weren't about to fall asleep on their feet. Ziva especially looked like she needed sleep. And a big Mac.

"Go home." He told his team. All of them including Ziva jumped at this unexpected intrusion to the silence that had enveloped the bullpen.

"All of you are to be here at 8 am" Instructed Gibbs

"That includes you Dinozzo" as he saw Tony open his mouth to ask.

After sitting back down, Gibbs watched his team vacate the bullpen, in search of their homes and beds.

Surprisingly it was Tony who lagged behind. The reason why became clear five minutes later when the senor agent approached his desk.

"Am I about to hear why you disobeyed my direct order, Dinozzo?" He growled.

"Ahh. Yes Boss. Can I speak to you for a moment? Privately." Tony added glancing upwards to where the toothpick was watching them.

Deciding to go along with it he barked "My office now" and led the way to the elevator.

Pressing the down button, he waited a few seconds before flicking the emergency stop.

"So, what do you need to tell is so important it couldn't have waited until tomorrow?" guessing that it was probably about leave time or something along those lines, he was caught slightly off guard when Dinozzo replied

"Its about Ziva Boss."

"What about Ziva?"

"Well, you know how she's been looking real bad lately, and wearing long sleeves even though it's summer?"

"Well yes Dinozzo. I'd have to be blind not to notice. So what has inspired you to talk to me, and not her about this."

"Well, for one thing, you wont kill me for what I'm going to say, and another, I think you would be a great help in getting her help."

Gibbs was becoming annoyed by his senor agents rambling. He was starting to sound like Abby, except without the long, technical words.

Without giving his boss a chance to speak, Tony rushed into what he had origionally wanted to talk about. "Today at Norfolk, I noticed when Ziva reaced out to get something, the sleeve of her shirt hitched up."

"Surely you did not drag me in here just to tell me Ziva needs new clothes?"

"No Boss that isn't why I dragged you in here. It was what was revealed. Scars and fresh cuts. She's be cutting herself boss. And she has lost a lot of weight. Her arm looks like a skeletons."

Damn. I should've noticed. But only Dinozzo would pay THAT much attention to a woman who would most likely kill him if she found out about what he had been doing.

"Ok. Dinozzo. Lets go have a talk to her"


	3. The rooftop

Flooring the accelerator to keep up with his boss Tony worried about his partner and what they would find when they got to her home.

_Would they find her slouching on the couch eating pizza or would they find her beautiful body flattened on the pavement or bleeding out in the bathroom?_

Drawing to an abrupt stop outside Zivas apartment building, Tony heard his Boss tell him to check the roof.

Without waiting for the slow elevator, Tony took the stairs 3 at a time up the 6 story staircase.

Reaching the top he quietly opened the door to find a scene out of his nightmares.

His beautiful Ziva sitting on the edge of the building, crying.

Moving silently he snuck up behind Ziva and, taking her by surprise, dragged her off the edge and held her down.

Naturally she fought against him, punching his back, and shouting nonsense until suddenly she stopped fighting him and went limp under him. A surprised Dinozzo heard sobs and then;

"Tony, what am I doing to myself? Why can't I stop?" It broke Tony's heart to hear her sob, and then those two questions. Rolling off her, he pulled into a tight hug and held her while she cried into his chest.

That was how Gibbs found them when he came to check on Dinozzo. He was astounded by the sight he was greeted with. Ziva sobbing into Dinozzo. And him not being an idiot for once.

Making his presence announced, Gibbs said to Dinozzo "Take her to her apartment and take care of her. Make sure she eats a good meal. I'll get Ducky to come round tomorrow and check up on you two. Until then you're on protection duty."

"Yes Boss." Came the reply followed by a pause then "ahh, Boss. Who am I protecting her from?"

"Herself"


	4. protection from herself

Following his boss's orders Tony led a still distraught Ziva back to her apartment.

Arriving at her apartment, Tony raided her pantry and made her some food. That was the easy part. The hard part was actually getting her to eat it.

Claiming that she wasn't hungry, Ziva pushed away the food that Tony had brought her and tried to get up from the table, but, to her surprise, Tony pushed her back into her chair, and told firmly that she wasn't going anywhere until she ate.

Deciding to go along with his wishes, knowing she would just throw it all back up later, she ate the simple meal. When she was finished, she rose from the table. As she did so, she swayed and instantly felt Tonys' arm around her waist, supporting her.

"Come on Zi. Let's get you into bed" She heard Tony murmur to her.

Simply moaning in reply, she allowed herself to be led to her bedroom, where she, started to undress, forgetful of the fact that Tony was watching her, until it was to late.

Climbing into bed, Ziva realized that she didn't want to be alone that night, and as Tony reentered the room, she put her plan into action.

"Night Ziva. Oh and by the way. Don't bother getting up tomorrow. Gibbs has ordered that you are to stay in bed until Ducky examines you."

"Fine. I may as well go along. I have no choice." Murmured Ziva dejectedly

Tony chuckled and switched off the light on Zivas bed table. Standing up to leave, Tony was taken by surprise when Ziva grabbed his arm and whispered;

"Stay, Tony. I don't want to be alone tonight."

Removing his shoes and shirt, he pulled back the covers and climbed in beside Ziva, Who, to his immense surprise, snuggled into his chest.

Tony couldn't help himself; he grinned and wrapped his arms around Zivas slight frame, expecting to be kneed in the groin.

Again Ziva did the opposite and kissed Tony on the lips.

"Thank you Tony. For everything. If you hadn't stopped me, I probably would have jumped. Now I'm glad I didn't jump."

"Shh Zi. Just go to sleep. I won't leave you." Tony comforted.

Ziva pressed herself closer to his chest and her demons fled her and for the first time in years she felt truly safe.

For a long time after Ziva fell asleep, Tony lay awake will the woman he loved in his arms, thinking about what would make her do this to herself. What would make her cause herself so much pain? And why didn't he notice earlier?

**A.N. Sorry about the short chapter. Will try to write longer chapters in the future. Oh and thank you, thank you, thank you to all my awesome reviewers! Your reviews encourage me to write these stories.**


End file.
